Of Akatsuki, Giant Fur Coats, and World Domination
by LordFluff
Summary: Naruto always did wonder why the Akatsuki was so intent on gathering the Bijuu.


**Of Akatsuki, Giant Fur Coats, and World Domination**

"_Fashion ignores safety, comfort, and common sense. A guaranteed attractant for millions of vacuous minds."_

- Duane Alan Hahn

Drip.

Drip.

Drip. Drip.

Drip.

Naruto's eye twitched. _You know, I don't think that listening to this dripping all day does much good for Kyuubi's sanity… or for what's left of it._

The blonde was half tempted to ask the Kyuubi how it had dealt with the dripping (Naruto suddenly had the idea that, should he ever get the chance to again_ though such a thing is very unlikely now, isn't it?_ He should learn a thing or two about plumbing to fix the pipes in his head _Lord knows he has more than a few loose screws somewhere around there_). He thought better about asking, though, when he realized that Kyuubi was still panting heavily from exhaustion and that the span of time between the closing of its eyes and their opening was steadily becoming longer. Naruto couldn't really blame the fox, though. After all, he was only having the extraction take place through him. Knowing the pain from that, the blonde couldn't imagine how it must feel to be the one extracted, especially if said extractee is resisting as well.

Naruto couldn't help but wrinkle his nose at that last thought. When he first realized that Kyuubi was actually refusing to be extracted, to say the blonde had been baffled would be like saying Lee is weird. It's rather obvious. After passing out from the pain that came with the extraction (How long ago was that by now? Naruto could not honestly say. For all he knew, that could have been anywhere from two hours to two days ago. It is rather hard to keep track of time while trapped in one's mind), he had asked the Kyuubi why it was resisting only to receive the, slightly expected yet still hurtful (hurtful because, even though he should know better, Naruto couldn't help but slightly hope that maybe the kitsune actually felt something to another individual and wasn't completely selfish), answer that, as the most powerful demon and King of the Bijuu, Kyuubi wasn't just about to roll over and let some humans simply _take_ it and keep it captive (_again_) when it could easily take control of its vessel at some point. Naruto had only rolled his eyes at the kitsune's response.

So here the blonde lay, on the damp floor of his mind, listening the Kyuubi breathing hard from exertion, and losing a bit more of his sanity to the _drip_s of water as they became more frequent as the pipes from the ceiling started to collapse, one by one. He will admit, however, that listening to the drops of water hit the floor was more interesting, and probably better for his mental health, than paying attention to the throbbing pain that the seal was causing him as the Akatsuki members claimed the last Bijuu.

Naruto could not help but sigh. He kind of wished that they'd get it done and over with already. I mean, did the extraction really have to last three days? Wouldn't it be easier for them if it were quicker? _Could_ they make it quicker? Surely they could; wasn't one of the conditions in Akatsuki recruitment being that you had to be like, a total mad shinobi genius to get in? Or could they change the jutsu but they simply wanted to make the Jinchuuriki suffer as much as possible while killing them slowly? Wasn't that a bit too much, even for said mad shinobi geniuses? So many questions, and yet no answers.

* * *

Fifty-seven. That was how many pipes ran through the top of the cage/room/thing. Naruto should know. He had just spent the last ten minutes counting. Or had it been fifteen minutes? Twenty? Nah, it couldn't have been that long. Fifteen seemed like a bit much, too, come to think of it. Yeah, Naruto was fairly certain that it had only been ten minutes. Maybe eleven.

Oops, now there's only fifty-four. One more pipe just fell, taking two down with it. Good thing they had been over on the other side of the room. Naruto didn't really feel like getting up. He wasn't even sure he would have bothered moving if a few decided to fall right on top of him. He was feeling more than a little bit slothful right then (he's a shinobi, after all, he's already drenched in sin, what's a little more? _He thought as more water seeped into the room_).

Naruto turned his head to look over at his roommate. Kyuubi was now showing even more signs of fatigue. It was laying on its side now, all nine tails still. Its red eyes remained closed, though Naruto could tell from the labored breathing and occasional scrapes of claws-on-floor that it was not yet asleep. If he were to be honest, Naruto would admit that seeing the great beast lying pathetically like that on the floor was rather unnerving. Kitsune were supposed to be free spirits, after all, and seeing one that could instill fear like no other into the hearts of even the most powerful of warriors lying there, looking broken for the most part, was disturbing and saddening (_disturbing because that was proof that even Gods can fall and saddening because if Naruto was only as strong as the Kyuubi's power and yet __**it**__ fell, what does that say about Naruto and his strength?_). The most troubling part of the situation was, however, the fact that the Kyuubi was fading. While it still looked as whole and as real as ever, Naruto could still sense – _feel_ – its presence and power slipping away. He was half-hoping that the fox would be there at the end of it all (_he was condemned to spend his life alone, why should he spend his death alone as well_).

Fifty-three. Naruto watched as another pipe fell, crashing only a yard or two away to his right. He stared, watching as the ripples from the pipe's landing wash over the puddles. Watched as they slowed, faded and then, eventually stopped.

Naruto rested a hand on his stomach. The pulsing from the seal wasn't as strong as it had been before.

* * *

Thirty-nine. It was down to only thirty-nine pipes. 'Course, there had been one colossal pipe that had fallen, taking down six more with it and damaging at least half a dozen others before landing with a very sudden and resounding _CRASH_ in the middle of the floor. Still, despite the massive amount of damage to the floor now, none of the falling debris seemed to land on Naruto. Actually, the collapsing room no longer seemed to have any effect on him, the only proof that he even noticed the increasing amount of wreckage was when he erased another tally from the number of pipes he kept track of in his thoughts.

Thirty-five. Distantly, Naruto's thoughts informed him that the room was falling apart faster as time grew on. He dismissed those thoughts, not caring all that much. It didn't matter. Nothing mattered.

If the Naruto-of-old could hear himself right now, he'd smack himself in the head (much like Sakura had done on numerous occasions) and yelled at himself _Pull yourself together! Of course it matters! You can't give up, not now and not ever! You have to become Hokage still!… You promised Sakura-chan and Tsunade-baachan and Ero-Sennin and everyone else that you'd be fine and you never go back on your promises 'cause you're Uzumaki Naruto, dattebayo!_ The blonde couldn't help but snort at this. He knew he was being out of character and he knew that his current attitude would be giving Sasuke-teme a run for his money as Emo Kid of the Year (_at least he still had his sense of humor, _he noted dryly_, no matter how much of a sarcastic edge it's seemed to have gotten_) but the fact remained that the situation was really, truly hopeless. No one in Konoha could come and save him (if anyone from Konoha was even left alive after the Akatsuki's attack) and Gaara was having his own problems with the current civil war in Suna. By all appearances, it seemed to be truly hopeless, with no way out and he should know because he's spent the past day (_Hour? Five hours? Two days? __**How long?**_) pulling a Shikamaru and planning and plotting from every possible angle imaginable… the situation was and is still doomed to failure.

Thirty. Thirty pipes left on the ceiling. _Can't be much longer now_, Naruto thinks, as yet another falls. _Which is good. I never had much patience for little things like death anyway_.

* * *

_Twenty-one pipes still left up there, Twenty-one pipes still left._

_One falls down, hits the ground,_

_Twenty pipes still left up there._

* * *

Naruto frowned in frustration. Damn. Damned it all to hell. He didn't think it could have possibly gotten worse, but it did. The unthinkable happened.

He had lost count of the pipes.

He felt like pulling his hair out. He supposed, in a sense, it didn't really matter all that much. He had only been counting. No big deal. But still, it had been something that had kept his thoughts occupied. Not to mention, it had given him an almost exact countdown as to how much longer he had left. But now he didn't know. He knew it was in the mid-to-early teens, but now the number was lost. Damn it.

Kyuubi had been silent up until Nineteen. It was still breathing and it would open one of its red eyes on occasion, but it no longer bothered trying to keep up either appearances or its determined will. It knew the end was near. It knew just as much as Naruto did.

From his position on the floor, surrounded by fragments of pipes and ceilings (amazingly enough, a piece had yet to hit him still… he started to think that it was some form of defense that his mind had but he did not really paid attention to anything other than the pipes for some time now), Naruto turned his surprisingly heavy head (_Heh. And they all sad it was just full of air. No way air could be __**this**__ heavy_) towards Kyuubi. For the duration of time that it took for three more pipes to fall, Naruto simply watched the kitsune breathe and relished these last few moments of being with his life-long companion.

Letting his head fall completely on its side now, Naruto just let his eyes settle on his outstretched hand. He frowned, flexing his fingers. The nails were bitten almost completely down to the wick. A bad habit of his that he had yet to – _will_ _never_ – break. He examined his nails closer, thinking of the huge, claw-like hands in the Akatsuki lair. He had remembered seeing those same hands in the lair where he and the rest of Team Kakashi and Team Gai had found Gaara.

Gaara.

Gaara had died from his extraction. Just like Naruto was now going to die from his. Only difference was that there was no Chiyo-baasan to resurrect him. But Naruto didn't really mind all that much. Death couldn't be much worse than his life, right?

Another pipe crashed down.

Naruto suddenly frowned in frustrated contemplation. He suddenly had to know _why_. He didn't know where this sudden need to know (need to _understand_) came from, but it was there and it was fierce. The blonde wanted to know why Gaara died. Why all the seven others had to die. Why he had to die now, like them, by having a demon extracted. Why _why_ **why**?

_**As if I know, so stop whining already.**_

Naruto whipped his head up, his eyes meeting a massive crimson orb of the Kyuubi. He hadn't realized that he had spoken his thoughts aloud, but there was no taking it back now. Distractedly, he placed his hand on his stomach, running his thumb over his fingertips, feeling the rugged edges of what little nail he did have left on them. The pain dimmed just a bit more. Then there was the sound of another pipe falling.

Naruto clenched his hand closer to his seal. He felt the dull tips dig into his stomach. He suddenly remembered the statue again.

"Do you know about the statue they have?"

_**What the hell makes you think that I know about that, kit?**_

"I dunno. Just seemed like you'd know more about it than I would. So I asked…" Naruto shrugged. "Do you at least know why they want the Bijuu? I mean…why bother getting them all together when they can cause just as much destruction when they're by themselves?"

Kyuubi just snorted and muttered something about mindless, hairless apes. Naruto rolled his eyes once again and immediately regretted it when his head started to spin. He faintly heard the crash of another pipe.

Naruto lay there for a while longer before he decided. He wanted a good, final bickering with someone before he left. His first choice was obviously Sasuke, but the bastard wasn't there… Neither was Sakura. Or the dog-shit, Kiba. But he still was not completely alone… Kyuubi was there.

"… A giant fur coat."

…

…..

Kyuubi, after a moment of struggling to open both his lids again (_When had he closed them?_ Naruto brushed that stray thought away), turned his slitted eyes towards his container. _**I ignored that comment for as long as possible but, curse my kitsune curiosity, I need to know what exactly the hell you are rambling on about now.**_

Naruto just continued to stare at the ceiling, considering the chances of just how far he could carry on this game of his. He answered, "Fur coats. The Akatsuki is gathering the Bijuu to make one giant fur coat."

_**Now I know you've lost your mind**_, the Kyuubi murmured. _**But I'll humor you. If they used the Bijuu to make a giant fur coat**_ (_insert sarcasm here,_ Naruto thought dryly), _**then what would they do with the Sanbi no Isonade? Or the Yonbi no Sokou? Or even the Hachibi no Hachimata? After all, fish, reptiles, and snakes don't exactly have fur, you know.**_

Naruto paused to give that some thought, listening to further _drip_s of water droplets and the sound of yet another collision between pipe and floor. The best he could come up with was: "A handbag. They'd scale 'em all and use 'em to make a huge, massive handbag."

Kyuubi could not hold back its chuckle at that, his deep, hollow laughter covering the sound of a breaking pipe. _**What in all the seven levels of Hell would they use a giant fur coat and an oversized handbag for?**_

The Jinchuuriki frowned in thought for a moment before replying to his Bijuu. "Their statue," he said, hand clutching at his numbing seal. He could feel some more ripples splash lightly against him as the pipe's disturbance caused the water to sway. "They'd use the coat and bag to decorate their statue."

The kitsune could only shake its head in wonderment at the shinobi's reasoning. Baring its teeth in a facsimile of a smile, it said in its rumbling voice, making the water quiver: _**Well, I knew you were losing it, but I didn't think you were that far off the deep end. And just how, kit, did you come up with this theory of yours?**_

Naruto lay in thoughtful silence. He didn't even realize that what once started as an attempt to rile up Kyuubi, Naruto was actually giving this half baked theory a lot more thought than it deserved. If given the opportunity to look back on this situation, the blonde would realize that it was at this point in time that he really didn't have any sanity left to speak of. Naruto was alone, facing his imminent death without a valid reason as to why he apparently deserved to die. He was grasping at frayed straws, and he knew it but simply did not care. After all, didn't he already establish to himself that nothing mattered anymore? If nothing mattered, then why care about it at all?

Lifting his other hand up from the puddle it had been laying in since pipe Twenty-six fell, he started to study it as intently as if it held all of life's (_and death's_) mysteries. So much time had passed since the kitsune had asked its question that when Naruto replied, Kyuubi was slightly startled because he had assumed that the blonde was tired of their little theorizing game and was not going to answer. So it came as even more of a surprise to the fox when it realized that long since passed the time when this was a game and now it was an actual hypothesis, no matter its absurdity or lack of true sense, because really, there was no more sense in this cage/room/thing and had there been any for the past few days? (_It thinks reality and thought started to merge sometime around the fall of pipe Forty-four_) This was now just a desperate attempt at finding a reason as to _why_. Nothing more, nothing less.

When Naruto spoke, his response was as quiet as his normal behavior would have been loud. "Well why not? They are obviously concerned with fashion." Naruto furrowed his brow in annoyance as the fox gave a short bark of laughter. "I'm serious. Once you look at it, it's rather noticeable." Staring past his still raised hand, Naruto noticed a pipe up top start to creak and sag. He also noticed that only a few pipes remained, enough that if he wanted to, he could easily calculate the remaining ones and regain his sense of time. He suddenly found the whole idea completely pointless.

Focusing back on his hand, Naruto continued to explain his reasoning. "All you have to do is look at 'em. I mean, _come on_. Most of the lot 'o them are a bunch of pretty boys. And-" He turns his hand over to scrutinize the other side. (_He never really did understand the saying "I know so and so like the back of my hand." Did people really know every crack and crevice of their hand? Every hair and cell? Every scratch and scar? He didn't think so._) "- there's their nail polish, of course. Seriously, shinobi using nail polish? And lavender at that? Seems awfully odd and fashion-obsessive."

Naruto starts to inspect his nails next, wondering vaguely how his nails would look with nail polish. Would they look as short and stubby as they do now? Maybe they had orange nail polish? He hoped so. Seems like a waste if they made clear polish but not orange.

"Their cloaks are also a give-away," Naruto continued while still scrutinizing his hand. "What kind of terrorist organization has matching cloaks like that? Maybe plain black or somethin', that'd be understandable. But black with _red clouds_? That seems random and pointless. Not to mention, of course, that they all sport an insane homicidal attitude like it was an accessory," Naruto added in the last line with a mutter. He really should have been better about biting his nails, he thinks. But like they say, hindsight's always 20/20. Too late to do anything about it now.

Naruto sighed deeply, letting his hand fall back with a slight splash into the water. Gazing up at the ceiling, he notices there are even fewer pipes than when he last checked. Funny, he hadn't heard any more crashes. He watched as another pipe started to slump downwards. He frowned. He had heard the groan of the metal that time, but it was very faint and muffled, like someone had placed a pillow over his ears. Frowning deeper, the blonde glanced over at Kyuubi, noticing now more than ever how little of its presence he could actually sense. Hell, he was only certain that the fox was still there from sight. What he did see of the fox, it was obvious that it was now unconscious… or sleeping…. They're the same thing, really, right?...

Through the vibrations Naruto felt through the floor, he could tell that another pipe fell. How many had been up there? Three, four? Well, whatever it had been, it was one less now. But wait – He creases his brow again in thought. That's not right….

Why would a terrorist organization be obsessed with fashion if they were, supposedly, terrorists? Shouldn't they want to rule the world?

"Heh." Naruto smirks as the second to last pipe falls at the same time as his eyelids do. "People always did say that fashion governed the world. I'll at least give 'em points on originality. Not many villains would use _fashion_ of all things as a path to world domination..."

The last pipe falls.


End file.
